Let's Not Have a Sniffle

I just don't want to be me for a while.

Not for the usual reason.

I used to not want to be me 'cause I was fat or lazy or self-destructive and made poor decisisons and all sorts of things like that. Real reasons. Escapist reasons. I'm better than that now. I actualy, shudder to think, am ok with me now. I like who I am and find myself reasonably well adjusted. Remarkably well adjusted for someone with my medical history, frankly. But, I digress.

I don't want to be me at the moment because of my grandmother. See, she's going to die. Not today and not tomorrow, but soon enough. And here's the thing, and I swear this just occured to me, she's going to be dead for the rest of my life. Shocker I know. This fixtue, this force, this person who has been such a part of my life forever won't be there. It blows my mind.

And I'm not entirely sure why this is affecting me so. I dealt with cancer and my own death with more grace than this.

Give me a catastrophe, a major trauma and I'm fine.

My fathers mother is also dying. It's sad but ore of a natural part of life type thing. Upsetting certainly, but we all know that all she's wanted since Poppy died is to be with him. So it's okay.

But this? A natural progression? The ultimate passing of a much loved 80something woman? I'm a mess.

And so, I wish I weren't me. I don't want to feel what I'm going to have to feel. I'm not sure I'm up to it.